Am I alone in this or do other people have recurring dreams about searching for toilets?
(wind whistles through topic, silence descends, people hasten towards exits)
My theory is that my body, or more accurately my bladder, sends a message to my brain along the lines of 'warning: full bladder situation imminent. Give him a nudge.' My brain then, acting on the 'it's dangerous to wake up a sleepwalker' theory, subtly messes with my dreams.
The result is that mid-dream I suddenly feel the need to pee and race around the dreamscape looking for the nearest toilet. Having found the toilet and peed for England for several minutes, I feel no better and have to rush off to find another. The dream is then thoroughly hijacked. All attempts to break out are doomed. I'm playing for England in the World Cup final, running down the wing, beating Brazilian after Brazilian, only the keeper to beat and ... I have to stop for a pee. I'm at the Oscars, stepping up to the lectern, and reaching for my zip. I'm in a dungeon ... full of toilets.
And so on. The world is paved in porcelain. I'm trying to pee, my neighbour's trying to pee, everyone in the world's trying to pee. Cue the old Coca cola ad and sway along - I'd like to teach the world to pee, in perfect harmony.
Then I wake up. And dash off to the en suite.
So, am I alone? Or are there more of us? Perhaps it's time to come out of the closet.