chrisdolley (chrisdolley) wrote,

It's Dangerous in There

At last we have a reason for the spate of overprotective legislation coming from the Health and Safety Executive.

Their staff live in fear. And who'd blame them. The HSE has just released a report on accidents at their own headquarters and it's a frightening document to read. The building is either cursed or staffed by the accident prone.

One entry stands out - or maybe sits down. An accident involving a falling toilet roll holder.

This takes a degree of thought. How? And ... who'd report it? Would you want to go through life known as the person knocked out by a falling toilet roll? What were you doing? How did you get under there?

Naturally I've called in experts to recreate the accident scene. Special investigators from the FBI's ATF (Alcohol, toilets and firearms) have come up with the only logical answer. A greased toilet seat. No, it can happen ... after all, there has to be a good reason for HSE directive 1701/B - thou shalt not clean the toilet seat with vaseline.

So, picture the scene - or not - you're about to sit down, you hit grease, there is some sliding, quite a bit of gravity, not a lot of balance and ... you slide off sideways onto the floor.

But it doesn't end there. Just as you're working out who you're going to sue first, you look up and ... there's a teetering toilet roll. You must have reached out and grabbed it as you were falling. Now it was loose and directly above your head. You watch, unable to move. Noooooo!

And then the toilet roll - and its holder - hit you on the head. Not so much a physical injury as - let's face it - no one's allowed to install cast iron armour-piercing toilet roll holders any more (HSE directive 3435/G appendix 12 - thou shalt not make toilet roll holders out of base metals or army surplus ordinance) but a mental one. You'd be scarred for life - unable to crawl under a toilet roll holder for the rest of your life.

I sense a multi-million pound class action.

Tags: hse, humor, humour, legislation, nanny, state, toilets
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