I think I'll let that first sentence percolate for a while. How can someone set fire to their fingernails? A question that, until yesterday, I'd never felt any inclination to ponder. Unfortunately I now know the answer.
Because his wife left him alone in a house with a box of matches!
Blame firmly established, I shall now relate the sorry tale. I was trying to light the oven while protecting my sausages from two sneaky cats. My attention was divided, I was having trouble finding the gas pilot with the match and ... sudden intense pain! The match had burnt down. I dropped it immediately, and noticed that the nail of my index finger had gone black at the tip. And was smoking. And there was a smell. Not sausages.
Luckily I keep the nails of my right hand long - a hang over from my guitar playing days and probably the reason why the nail had time to catch fire before the pain hit me - so I was able to cut the charred tip without disfiguring my best typing finger.
So, a warning to all wives and SO's: never leave a man alone in a house unless you've removed all matches and sneaky cats. You never know what he'll do to protect his sausages.