chrisdolley (chrisdolley) wrote,

Self Defence for Kittens

This week's Kitten's Guide focuses on the noble - and sometimes sneaky - art of self-defence. We start with The Hastily Constructed Fort.

Here Xena demonstrates the artful use of surroundings. As Kai approaches she swiftly constructs a fort out of empty boxes she'd seen lying on the floor earlier. Note the precision of her work and how a three box fort can defeat even the stretchiest cat.

Next we have The Unexpected Neck Bite

A devastating manoeuvre in the right paws, this stratagem relies on low cunning and surprise. First you need to hypnotise your target by suspending a small silvery fish (whitebait makes an excellent lure) from a string and gently swinging it in front of their eyes. While the target is still mesmerised with fishy thoughts - and, in a Homer Simpson voice, meowing to themselves the kitten equivalent of 'fishy so swee-eet' - the cunning kitten strikes.

Here's a useful tip for those moments - and we all have them - when you're pinned to the floor and having your leg bitten. It's called The Xena and it's a must for all warrior kittens.

First, bring up your hind legs ready to push your assailant off. Second, and this is where the move gets its name, you throw your head back, ears back, open your mouth as wide as it will go then ... flex that spine, spring forwards and let loose your warrior cry in the nearest ear drum of your assailant. As the deafened foe's grip relaxes you catapult him or her off with your back legs.

And finally Kai demonstrates the noble art of self-defence as written down by the Marquis of Queensbury's cat, Queenie. Yes, it's The Boxer.

Note the perfect guard: left paw tucked in to protect the chin, right paw preparing to jab, knees flexed ready to pounce. Only a swinging whitebait can breach this defence.

Tags: boxing, cats, fighting, humor, humour, kittens, pets, self defence

  • New Steampunk Anthology

    Back in November I posted an extract of "What Ho! Automaton," my Wodehouse steampunk novelette. Well, the anthology is now out, and…

  • What Ho! Automaton

    As I haven't posted here for some while - I've been away blogging every Saturday at Book View Cafe - I thought I'd post a snippet from a new…

  • Dark Matter, String Theory and Kittens

    New evidence this week has suggested that Dark Matter is composed of a complex web of superstrings. Not ordinary superstrings – but super…

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.