Q is alive and working for the England football team.
And I can now reveal the next step in his diabolically cunning master plan. Cloaked forwards. The traditional England kit is going to be replaced by a new multicoloured camouflage strip so baffling, so ingenious that linesmen will be unable to flag any England player for being offside. How could they? They can't see them.
Proof of this new tactic might explain yesterday's strange behaviour at the England training camp. Peter Crouch, already excessively thin before his feet disappeared, has been practising lying on the ground in the opponent's penalty area. Clad in his green camouflage strip and liberally sprinkled with grass cuttings, he hides there until the ball is booted upfield whereupon he emerges unmarked and heads the ball past the stunned goalkeeper. He then throws himself back onto the ground and disappears, leaving the baffled keeper blaming a bumpy pitch and an unkind bounce.