August 25th, 2006

International Kittens of Mystery

Pluto Strikes Back

Disturbing news from Pluto's High Council - in a response yesterday to their planet's demotion from 'planet' to 'dwarf planet' the Plutarch issued the following statement:

Pluto refuses to accept the new classification of planetary bodies. It is biased, terracentric and insulting. Pluto is a planet. It's always been a planet and always will be a planet. If any planets should be struck off it's the others.

After all, Mercury doesn't rotate properly. It's a half-baked planetoid.

Venus is nothing but a cloud with a rocky centre.

Earth is a double planet. It wobbles. It rotates around a centre part way towards the moon. It should be renamed the Earth-Moon double planet alliance of troublemaking nose-pokers!

Mars is too red. It's atmosphere too thin. Its ice caps the wrong shade of pinky white.

Jupiter is fat. And it's got a big ugly red spot. It's a bloated mass of gas. How can you call that a planet? It's a fat failed star.

Saturn's almost as bad. Fat, gaseous and wearing that big girlie ring. It's a sissy planet!

Uranus can't even stand upright. It leans over at more than 60°. It's a falling down planet!

Neptune doesn't deserve the name planet. It's a rogue mass of evil that has been straying into Plutonian space for billions of years, trying to steal our moons, blocking out the sun.

Pluto is the only true planet. It's rocky, it's just the right size and all the other planets rotate around it. If you don't believe us, come to Pluto and look for yourself!

And it's the only planet to have a Walt Disney character named after it.