June 10th, 2006

International Kittens of Mystery

Q Helps England

The BBC have just broken the news that England striker Peter Crouch will be wearing camouflaged boots in today's match (I kid you not). The football boots are not only green but are textured to look like grass. The idea, for there is indeed a brain behind this plan, is that baffled defenders will be too busy staring at the gap between Peter Crouch's ankles and the ground that they will not notice the six foot seven inch striker's head as it rises majestically to head the ball into the net.

Q is alive and working for the England football team.

And I can now reveal the next step in his diabolically cunning master plan. Cloaked forwards. The traditional England kit is going to be replaced by a new multicoloured camouflage strip so baffling, so ingenious that linesmen will be unable to flag any England player for being offside. How could they? They can't see them.

Proof of this new tactic might explain yesterday's strange behaviour at the England training camp. Peter Crouch, already excessively thin before his feet disappeared, has been practising lying on the ground in the opponent's penalty area. Clad in his green camouflage strip and liberally sprinkled with grass cuttings, he hides there until the ball is booted upfield whereupon he emerges unmarked and heads the ball past the stunned goalkeeper. He then throws himself back onto the ground and disappears, leaving the baffled keeper blaming a bumpy pitch and an unkind bounce.

Paraguay beware.