February 16th, 2006

International Kittens of Mystery

High School Howlers, Analogies and Metaphors

Couldn't resist this. Actual Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays.

There's 28 on Jim Van Pelt's post here

Here's my favourites:

1. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

2. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

3. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

4. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

5. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

6. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

7. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

8. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

9. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

10. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

11. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

12. The fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating.

13. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

14. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slenderleg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

15. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

16. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

17. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.