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Author Interviews - The Feline Perspective
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Feb. 27th, 2008 @ 09:18 am
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One of the problems of being an International Kitten of Mystery is maintaining a successful cover. Dogs have learnt how to Google and tax humans get suspicious when unemployed kittens claim helicopter expenses.
So, for international security and tax purposes, Kai has decided to become an interviewer.
On March 4th he'll be posting an interview with Flop, Pod and Flit - three cats who ghost write under the human name of Jim Hines.
And on March 10th he'll be interviewing Laptop and Boboko who write under the human name of Alma Alexander.
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The Return of the Kai
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May. 30th, 2007 @ 05:17 pm
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A new svelte Kai has returned form International Kitten of Mystery Rehab. Readers may remember the consternation in International Kitten of Mystery circles over the full-figured superstar's weight. A situation that came to a head when he became stuck under a sideboard (I think James Bond had a similar problem in Casino Royale with a Russian tabby) and needed an extraction team with an extra large tub of grease to pull him out.
Following Kai's debriefing - and degreasing - it was decided urgent measures were called for. So after a strict regime of diet mice and vole lite, a new Kai has emerged. And, no longer the fat cat of the spook world, Kai is now licensed to swing from very high places.
Witness his first mission. Enemy agents are holed up in barn. They've planted explosive charges around the doors and windows. There's only one way in - up the wisteria, under the eaves and squeeze in through a minuscule gap in the roof.
Here we see Kai climbing the wisteria. Look, no grease!
Now he's looking for the gap under the eaves and, ever the showman, putting on a wobble for the cameras.
Then he leaps! Catches hold of something with his front paws and dangles for several seconds. His back paws claw air. His fellow international kittens of mystery hold their collective - and very mysterious - breath. Can Kai swing it?
Now, an evil blogger would end this post with a kaihanger. Tune in next week to find out if Kai survives! But... as I'm currently not evil here's the conclusion. Kai hauls himself up, under and through. Once inside, he leaps from a very great height onto the straw bales below. "Make my day, voles," he says in a Dirty Tabby voice and the voles immediately surrender.
Here we see Kai posing amongst the straw bales for the debriefing cameras and thinking about supper.
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Counter Mouse Insurgency
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May. 2nd, 2007 @ 02:42 pm
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With Household Security issuing a brown (mouse) alert, it's been a busy time for international kittens of mystery, Kai and Xena. Here we see the feline two sizing up a dangerous situation. Enemy mice, for there are no other kind, have been sighted holding illegal gatherings under this cupboard. Time for some non-covert kitten surveillance.
Having size up both the situation and her shoulders, Xena decides to move to the side entrance. Kai having sized up very little, prefers the direct approach. No exceedingly small gap can defeat a kitten with determination.
Two dislocated shoulders later, Kai squeezes where no international kitten of mystery has ever squeezed before. Or ever will again, thinks Kai. The insurgent mice - those that haven't been squashed or wedged up against their terrorist training manuals - flee the building pursued by Xena.
His job done, agent Kai emerges. 'Nothing to see, folks. Move along.' Five minutes later the International Kitten Of Mystery extraction team arrives with their extra large tub of grease.
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International Nocturnal Kittens of Mystery
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Apr. 20th, 2007 @ 05:07 pm
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The current summerlike weather and lighter evenings have wrought an unexpected change in the activities of the International Kittens of Mystery. They've become Nocturnal Kittens of Mystery. Which has resulted in far less Polish being typed on my keyboard as they both spend much of the day asleep.
The word 'peace' has re-entered our vocabulary and found a friend called 'quiet.'
Here's Kai and Xena sleeping off a night of intensive counter beetle operations:
And if you're wondering if Xena's wearing a furry night scarf, here's the picture from another angle.
Yes, it's Kai's leg - he has so many. And as an International Kitten of Mystery he has to be prepared at all times and sometimes that means kittenpulting your partner out of bed.
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A Kitten's Guide to High Places
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Apr. 4th, 2007 @ 02:55 pm
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This week's kitten's guide looks at dizzy heights and features Kai at his dizziest. Yesterday the full-figured stunt kitten decided that having climbed a giant stack of straw without a Sherpa he should then leap from the mighty summit onto the even mightier roof beams of the barn. One more jump and he reached an opening in the gable wall and from there he found a place to sit and gaze down at the ant-like human's toiling in the garden.
So far so good. Then he decides that a stunt kitten with an audience should put on a show. Instead of descending by retracing his steps he decides to use the Wisteria. Now most kittens learn from an early age that Wisteria fire exits are for use only when there are no other means of egress. Here we see Kai a quarter of the way down the Wisteria and attempting to go round the bend - something he usually excels at.
Note the large degree of wobble. He's fifteen feet off the ground and swinging like a high wire act. By the time I'd grabbed the ladder and ran back with it, he'd gone. Not to a Kai-shaped depression in the ground but back inside the barn. He'd managed to climb up the stonework and crawled under a gap in the eaves.
Here we see Kai about to jump back onto the straw pile.
And here we see Kai discovering that climbing down is never as much fun as climbing up. For some reason distances are doubled. And really high stacks of straw become really really high stacks of straw.
Next week, with Kai checking into the celebrity kitten rehab unit, there will be a Lamb Picture Wednesday.
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A Kitten's Guide to Haute Cuisine
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Mar. 28th, 2007 @ 11:40 am
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This week's Kitten's Guide looks at those times a young kitten's taste buds crave more than the standard freshly-forked fare. Yes, it's gourmet time at the Guide and today we have two recipes for the discerning nibbler.
First up we have Marinaded Mouse on a Bed of Summer Flowers
So, catch your mouse and lightly torture for ten minutes. Toss in air and marinade in the mouth until bored, then carry inside and deposit on your human's flower-patterned bedspread. If possible (and your human is shortsighted enough) leave for several days to mature, returning at odd times (like the middle of the night) to turn and toss.
Portion note: one medium-sized mouse left on the bed is enough to frighten a family of four.
Here we see Kai selecting his mouse. Note: the mouse is, of course, a toy mouse (or third understudy as he's now known after the shocking accidents on previous takes)
Vol au Vent Dip
First catch your vole. Season with a few strands of grass and marinade in mouth. Lightly toss and pat along the floor. Next, steal your pastry. Here we see Xena eyeing her prize before pouncing.
After you've outrun your human, make a paw sized hole in the middle of the pastry and drop the vole in the hole. Hook vole out. Drop vole in. Hook vole out. Drop vole in. Repeat until bored. This is the dip part of the meal and hours of fun.
When your vole has been thoroughly dipped take the vole au vent and place in a warm oven. Here we see Xena testing the shelf height. The shelf should be low enough to allow the chef to walk in and high enough to deter an inquisitive Kai.
Leave for as long as possible then serve with a freshly squeezed spider.
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A Woolly Kitten's Guide to Disguise
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Mar. 21st, 2007 @ 12:58 pm
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This week's kitten's guide looks at extreme camouflage. Of course today also happens to be Human Fool's Day in the kitten calendar (as in most things kittens are 11 days ahead of their bipedal friends)
So, first up we see Xena cunningly disguised as a lamb (or maybe the rock - she is an expert) and Kai as her mother. Kai, always the martyr to his art, had to take on a lot of extra bulk for this role - which meant extra meals and snacky things, and a course in reverse liposuction.
'How is it done?' I hear your say. 'They look so lifelike.' To which the answer is - hours in make-up. The trick is to start off by using a fishy-flavoured foundation - always popular with the fashion minded kitten - then move on to the latex mask and the woolly jumper.
Talking of woolly jumpers, here's Kai disguised as another lamb playing King of the Castle on another rock - or is it Xena?
Here we see Saffron, our French Trotteur, coming over to watch the shoot. Xena, being a small animal, does what all small animals do when loomed over by a much larger animal. She pretends not to notice. Kai, on the other hand, unsure about Saffron's views vis a vis fishy-flavoured foundation, decides a hasty retreat is the thing to be beaten.
And just to show that none of the above pictures were faked, here's Kai disguised as a pop-up book from Amazon.
Remember, kittens, you only have until twelve o'clock noon to make a fool of your human. After that it's down to them.
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A Kitten's Guide to Car Maintenance.
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Mar. 14th, 2007 @ 02:07 pm
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This week's Kitten's Guide looks at the car. First, it's important to realise that there are two types of car. One is evil and patrols the grey paths at frightening speeds looking for little kittens to gobble up. And the other is our friend. It does useful things like hunt for food tins and take the dog to the vet (and far away woody places where our humans try their best to lose the creature - they even throw sticks at it - but, as we all know, dogs have low cunning, big noses that they shove in all manner of inappropriate places, and are notoriously difficult to shake off).
Here we see Xena checking sufficient room has been left in the back of the car for large boxes of stray cat tins. Very important: never allow your human to leave the house with a full car. Room must always be left for opportunist shopping.
And the car must be regularly maintained. This means inspecting all the important instruments. Here we see Kai checking the instrument panel - supermarket detector, stray cat tin grab, dog ejector seat lever...
And here we see Kai after examining the dog ejector seat lever a little too closely. Remember, kittens, adjusting dog ejector seat levers is best left for the professionals ... and stunt kittens like Kai.
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P-Con 4
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Mar. 8th, 2007 @ 03:18 pm
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Well, I'm off to Dublin at the crack of dawn tomorrow to attend my first SF convention. I doubt if I'll be able to post anything to the blog until Tuesday. Unless I can borrow someone's computer or master remote typing.
But I will return with pictures so there may be an Author Picture Tuesday next week. And maybe a Lamb Picture Tuesday as lambing is due to begin on Sunday.
And on Wednesday we take a break from 24 (it's in Kai's contract that he can have only one life endangering flea bath a week) and offer up the Kitten's Guide to Car Maintenance.
I hope you all have as good a weekend as I intend to have.
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A Kitten's Guide to 24 Series Seven: Episode Two
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Mar. 7th, 2007 @ 03:13 pm
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Previously on 24...
Jack Bauer was having one of 'those' days and turned to the world's last best hope - international kittens of mystery, Kai and Xena. Episode One ended with Kai trying to subdue a rogue kitchen chair - it happens - and unless he can defeat the chair the terrorists will surely escape...
Just as things looked desperate, an orange blur rushed through the cat flap. 'I'll take this one, Kai,' meowed Agent Tribble. 'You go on and save the world!"
Below we see Agent Tribble in a life and death struggle (Tribbles know no other kind) with the evil chair.
Kai rushes through the house looking for the terrorists only to find his worst fears confirmed. They'd already eaten. Every bowl had been licked clean. Noooo! And worse ... they'd escaped and left a bomb in the house.
Chloe recognised it immediately. 'They wouldn't...' she gasped. But they had. Far worse than a dirty bomb, these mad terrorists had rigged a clean one - packed with insecticidal shampoo. No kitten would be safe.
Could Kai, the kitten with four left feet, defuse it in time? Pause for screen to split into four and Kai to trip over. Question answered, Xena is rushed to the house. Below we see Xena trying to sniff out the red wire ... or should it be blue? And are cats colour blind?
Realising he was staring at weapons grade flea shampoo, Kai watches from a safe distance.
But not safe enough. The insecticidal shampoo bomb had a shaped charge. A Kai-shaped charge ... causing a cone of liquid to spray upwards and ... splat. Kai is drenched from the neck down.
Then comes the hair drier. Noooo!
Xena can't bring herself to watch. Of course Jack looks like this every week - anything less and he'd suffer electrode withdrawal symptoms. But will Kai's flea-free fur hold on for another week?
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A Kitten's Guide to 24 Series Seven.
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Feb. 28th, 2007 @ 12:38 pm
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Jack Bauer is having another one of 'those' days. You know 24 hours of torture with his family - and this time it's not even Christmas. To make things worse, dogs have got hold of a bone shaped nuclear weapon and are threatening to destroy the biggest cat food factory in the world.
Noooo!
There's more. President Palmer has again appointed an evil Vice President who wants to overthrow him and seize power. You'd have thought that after the last three Vice Presidents had tried to kill him he would have learnt but, no, the lure of the first ever human-dog presidential ticket was too much and Spike - an American Pitbull - is the new VP.
And of, course, there's a mole in CTU. A real mole who's chewed through the power cables and rendered communications impossible. That is until Chloe, frowning grumpily, manages to reconfigure a passing satellite and link CTU to the world's last best hope - Kai and Xena - international kittens of mystery.
Below we see Jack Bauer briefing Kai and Xena.
Kai is told to make for nearest high ground and await a CTU field team who are flying in to collect him. Below we see Kai watching the helicopter approach.
The helicopter hovers above the rooftop and a rope ladder is thrown down for the international kitten of mystery to climb. Kai takes one look at the rope ladder and decides that international kittens of mystery prefer to board their helicopters from the ground. And sit on the pilot's lap.
Below we see Kai walking down the roof and away from the rope ladder.
As Kai is whiskered away to help Jack save the world, Xena helps Chloe set up the filter protocols - and find some old friends at the same time.
The CTU field team set up a perimeter around the terrorists' last known location and send Kai in through the cat flap. The world holds its collective breath. Are the terrorists still there? Will Kai be okay?
The episode ends on a cliffhanger. The camera zooms in. Kai's being given a hard time by a chair with terrorist sympathies. There's no way Kai can tackle the terrorists without subduing the chair first. But will it be too late...
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A Kitten's Guide to Looking Cute while Unconscious
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Feb. 21st, 2007 @ 03:38 pm
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It's a competitive life as a stunt kitten and today we reflect upon last year's European Cute Kitten Olympics. Some say it was Kai's finest hour - usually Kai.
First up we have the kitten superstar demonstrating the stretch, smirk and ear curl. Always a crowd pleaser, the judges nearly squeed themselves and awarded 5.9s across the board for execution and solid sixes for artistic interpretation.
And if you think that was good, here we see Kai in the compulsory figures. A reverse half pike with twist. And probably several other twists as well. Remember, kittens, do not try this at home. Kai is professional stunt kitten and even he wasn't sure how he managed it.
And here we have Kai in the freestyle competition demonstrating 'SuperKitten Flies!' Note the dramatic pose, the ballet toe point, the perfect line to the outstretched front paw, the tucked in back leg and ... turn, eyes close and ... hold.
And finally we have Xena and the Last Tribble in the asymmetric pairs competition. The pose being demonstrated was called 'The Cuddle.'
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A Kitten's Guide to Retrieving Toys from Very Small Spaces
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Feb. 14th, 2007 @ 12:12 pm
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Mice, spiders, fir cones, pens and small furry toys all love to be chased - it's a well-known fact. And sometimes they hide in very small places - like the tiny gaps under furniture. Today's Kitten's Guide looks at how to get them out.
First up we have Kai - a kitten of a slightly portly disposition - showing some surprise, a modicum of shock, and a whole bowlful of doubt upon learning that he'd been chosen for the 'crawling under the chest of draws in front of you' exercise.
Yes, kittens, even a stunt kitten of Kai's stature can have doubts. Especially after a heavy meal. But just to show that even the larger kitten can squeeze into unexpected places, here we see Kai demonstrating the 'low walk' - the classic method of inching into small gaps.
Note the head pushed in as far as it will go, the low shoulders, the flattened chest and the back legs pushing from behind. Here we see the same shot from a different angle.
Note the left leg tucked under the body for extra leverage.
But sometimes - for really small gaps - the low walk just doesn't cut it and you have to get splayed. No, come back, I said sp-l-ayed not spayed. And to prove it here we see Kai employing the 'flat cat' position and posting himself into the gap.
Now, I expect some of you are thinking 'doesn't Kai look kinda stuck?' How can he get his claws on anything to drag back out? The answer is, of course, he can't. The whole point of the 'splayed cat' manoeuvre is to convince your human to get down on hands and knees and retrieve the object for you. And nothing does that better than a wedged kitten with back legs splayed.
And, finally, just to show that no kittens were harmed during the filming of this guide, we show Kai snuggling down next to Xena for a well-earned rest.
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A Kitten's Guide to Looking After Your Human
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Feb. 7th, 2007 @ 12:25 pm
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Humans need protecting because they know two secrets: One, the combination to the fridge and, two, the spell required to open food tins. So, until Kitten Command unravel the human code, we kittens have to watch them like kittyhawks.
Lesson One: Eternal vigilance. Humans are a much predated species and must be protected from mice (bubonic plague); birds (avian flu); spiders (hysteria and fear of unwaxed legs); beetles (60s hysteria) and over-eating (obesity - not a disease amongst kittens)
The best way to do this is to check ahead. If your human plans to enter a strange room it's your duty to go ahead and check for danger.
Here we see Xena, having swept the loft for birds and mice, announcing the stable clear and safe for humans. "Clear!"
Remember danger is everywhere - even inside the house. Here we see Kai making sure the stairs are clear and free of pythons (a rare but necessary check. Kitten's can never be too careful)
And don't forget that even a stationary human can be in danger. Here we see Kai demonstrating the art of 'close bowl protection.' Yes, kittens have to get that close - too far away and another cat - or worse, a dog - might sneak in and get a nose in the defenceless human's bowl.
Remember the human has to eat just the right amount of food - too little and they're too weak to open a ring pull can, too much and they can't bend down to open the food cupboard door. So all kittens must watch carefully, count the spoonfuls of porridge going from bowl to mouth, and intervene if the human is eating too much. The human will thank you later. Maybe.
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A Kitten's Guide to Snow
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Jan. 31st, 2007 @ 12:15 pm
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Snow is not fun. Snow is for dogs and woolly heffalumps and animals that like to fall over in the cold and wet. Snow is not for kittens.
If you see any - it is white and lives outside on the ground - contact your human immediately. Tell them the sky has broken and it's time to find the off switch. If they deny all knowledge of weather control, tell them you've seen them use that switch that turns the sun on inside the house. Humans may say they have no control over the weather but we kittens know different. They use it against us ALL the time.
Weather too hot - human's fault (fur envy). Weather too wet - humans keeping us indoors. Snow - a human-dog conspiracy to find out where we go at night (footprints, people!)
So, here we have Kai demonstrating the kitten-approved method of dealing with snow: head down, pained expression and disguise your footprints by walking in other animal's tracks.
Next we have Xena showing what to do when there are no tracks to follow: head down, pained expression and a muttered mantra of 'human, you will pay for this next time my claws need sharpening.'
And, finally, we have Xena demonstrating the practised look of disapproval should a snowball fight break out.
Who threw that!
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